There are several words that summarize my arrangement with J. They are ego, worship, dishonesty, illusion, control, and jealousy.
The ego came with J. Right from the get-go the arrangement was all about him. How much he would have to pay me per month to keep me loyal (exclusively his) was the first question. Why did he want me to be his when the only thing missing in his life was sex? He is not estranged from his wife; they were not sleeping in separate beds. The arrangement was about me worshipping him, feeding his ego, and doing it all for real! No reciprocation of feelings and caring. He wanted me dependent on him just as his wife was on him. The only big difference is his wife can divorce his ass for half the assets. Where does that leave me?
I understood what he wanted, the egocentric prick, and whipped up the illusion. One thing I’m great at is the “illusion”. That is probably because I fall to the illusion myself from time to time. I fall into adoration, caring and love while acting out those feelings. Start having genuine feelings for each man. When the man leaves or says something to break my spell I wake up. My only protection to my soul is waking up back to reality.
J began falling for my act, it was too good. But the doubts and insecurities deep inside this narcissist did not let him rest. He had to spy on me! Find a crack in the smooth painted glass between us. He saw the spider-crack in the form of my ad on a sugar dating website. All that he pretended to be - wonderful, caring, etc - was no longer there. I saw the jealousy and control.
I did not apologize!!! For if I had uttered those words I would never be the same in his eyes again. M the push over, M the unfaithful, M the tainted. With apologies he would only pressure me to prove my adoration, devotion, and worship of him. And why when I did nothing wrong?
My question in the last entry which was, “why is your friend sending you profiles? Are you looking to leave me? :( ” was never answered.
Of course, you and I know it is all bullshit. There was no friend sending him profiles. It was him, undoubtedly, verifiably him.
I asked him if we were going to talk about things. The following day (24 hours later) I received a text asking me for an email address where he would write this first letter -
“Waiting for an explanation. I think I deserve one. You can tell I’m very upset but I do want to understand.”
I wrote back -
“This is my explanation. In the last while I started to feel like you are wavering in your commitment to our relationship. Before your first trip, you said you will make sure to take care of me because you are the one going away.
This time you went away for another week and I won't get to see you as we agreed on, which is once a week.
This all has left me feeling insecure.”
A couple of hours later he wrote this message -
“No apology. Not the slightest remorse. Blame me. Nice.
I told you about both these trips more than a month ago. I'm curious how much you make at your job. Combine that with what I've been giving you...seems to me you are greedy and spoiled and thought you would get away with it. Not a single mention you had any problem with how things were going.
Interesting that when I told you I was completely loyal to you I got dead silence back. I get it now. All the good night baloney was just part of the business.... marketing. Nice job. You sucked me right in. My lesson ... something that seems too good to be true ALWAYS is.
You are pretty sure of yourself. You will soon learn what a bunch of scumbags are on the Internet. You had someone loyal who only wanted to help you. I very much doubt you will be able to replace that.”
I was a bit pissed and for the last exchange wrote to him -
“You asked for an explanation in your email. Nowhere did you ask for an apology.
Just to be clear, I’m not blaming anyone. Yes you told me about the trips but you also promised to take care of me. I did not think I had to complain to you about my financial problems. I did try to make you see this by asking you for the allowance a week ago.
I am confused about what you want. You want to be discrete so we stay indoors. You want to have sex how you want and for as long as you want. And then you expect me to be everything to you? I try my best but you aren’t doing your part. You are not loyal to me! You are married!!!
I am the only one who has been loyal to you since day one. I DON’T even need to say it!
I have not been trying to replace you.
But I still don’t know why your friend has been sending you profiles of girls from the website? You did not answer this to me. :( ”