Going back to my previous journal entry (Escort - Man’s Heart) I mentioned that a friend of mine was angry at me for developing feelings for another man.
I intentionally gave no indication of who this “other man” could be. It was way too early but as time keeps slipping away, it may be time to explain.
My last relationship ended 2 years ago. Nothing worth looking back to, just as the rest of them had passed. I returned to escorting knowing that eventually I will want sex which in turn would lead me to the next meaningless relationship. Yet another stranger giving hope and taking it away from me, at a drop of a hat. Only to find less of myself each time my heart is broken.
Escorting became the fix. I got the sex, when the cravings gave rise and I got remunerated. The cash isn’t just to put a roof over my head, it is a symbol. It symbolizes what I give (share) to a man is not free. It symbolizes equality. In my equation no one is left with less of themselves.
It was a week since I started seeing clients that I discovered something terrifying. One particular night, I met a young security guard (not a client) who asked me out on a date. He knew that I was an escort but did not express disdain. We went for a drive, then a restaurant, and back for a drive. It was a dark cold winter night and I remember how his Jeep rolled through the freshly fallen crisp snow. We were looking for a construction site to park in isolation. Don’t ask me why I thought this was acceptable, but some times I just go with the flow. I didn’t feel any reason to be threatened by him.
Finally we parked and sat in our seats looking at the stars through the front windshield. He started to kiss me and we both moved to the back seats of the car. He sat on the back passenger seats and straddled him. I took my jacket off and he held me while we kissed. Lots of things raced through my mind at that moment, I wanted to have sex with him and at the same time I did not. He started kissing my neck and then whispered, “I won’t have sex with you on a first date because I bet everyone else does.”
Putting a halt on the action we lay down the length of the back passenger seats and he held me from behind. I sense of peace washed over me but I felt nothing. And this is what terrified me. It just happened… I could not feel a thing for the person holding me. It did not matter who he was, he was pure coincidence. It was the acknowledgment of being alone. Accepting that I was alone and there was not a single person that could make me feel warmth. It was wonderful and scary. I felt dead.
My best friend, with whom I have not spoken in 1.5 weeks (Escort - Man’s Heart), knew of this story and he wanted to be the man who would change it all. But he did not want to admit to himself that he was not suitable, even when I told him.
Then I met J.
From the previous entries, I explained that J became my sugar daddy. At no time in my arrangement with J had I thought of it as anything but business. I the sweet, naïve, and caring, just playing a part in a large theater of my life. I would like to think that I am very much in control of my feelings, thoughts, and actions but I guess there are times I fool myself.
I believe it was our forth or fifth time together. I remember kissing J and a feeling I haven’t felt in so long stirred in me. I was alive again, maybe, for a brief moment. Ever since that day I keep on fighting myself. It’s unwise for me to fall for him. He is a married man with a child. He wants to leave his wife but he won’t tell her that he is seeing someone else. I am not sure of his intentions…
Is it right to fall for a man who cheats on his young wife and baby?